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If he went to the dentist every two months, always suspecting that something was wrong in his mouth, then he examined his conscience on a daily basis, suspecting that something was wrong in his soul.
He had betrayed himself, and he had betrayed the good opinion others still held of him. He had lived too long.
Still, they had been another' first loves, and he continued to think of those weeks at Anapa as an idyll. Even if an idyll only becomes an idyll once it has ended.
If you turned your back on irony, it curdled into sarcasm. And what good was it then? Sarcasm was irony which had lost its soul.
Fear: what did those who inflicted it know? They knew that it worked, even how it worked, but not what it felt like. "The wolf cannot speak of the fear of the sheep", as they say.