Bokelskere.no

Å dele barn med et menneske du har begynt å forakte, må være nesten som å komme ut for en bilulykke og så bli tvunget til å bruke resten av livet til å besøke den lamme i den andre bilen.

Jeg vil forklare hvor utmattet jeg er. Selv i mine drømmer.
Hvordan jeg våkner opp sliten. Hvordan jeg blir druknet av en slags svart bølge.

Vi dro til Alaska og frøs ihjel.

That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.”

But I can't pull myself away from a nagging suspicion that it just can't be this simple. What I mean is this: Prozac has rather minimal side effects, the lithium has a few more, but basically the pair keep me functioning as a sane human being, at least most of the time. And I can't help feeling that anything that works so effectivly, that's so tranformative, has got to be hurting me at another end, maybe sometime further down the road.

There was no way I could have explained my chronic moroseness to the head counselor, no way I could tell her how I had already alienated most of my bunkmates- who were themselves into Donna Summer and Sister Sledge and arguing over who got to be John Travolta and who got to be Olivia Newton-John in their lip-sync renditions of Grease- by playing Velvet Underground on my crappy little tape recorder late into the night. How could they possibly understand why it made no sense to me to listen to disco music and dance around the cabin when I could lie on the concrete floor with just the single bulb of bathroom light while Lou Reed's voice would lure me into a life of nihilism?

And the scariest part is that if you ask anyone in the throes of depression how he got there, to pin down the turning pont, he'll never know. There is a classic moment in The Sun Also Rises when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt, and all he can say in response is, "Gradually and then suddenly." When someone asks how I lost my mind, that is all I can say too.

One of the terrible fallacies of contemporary psychotherapy is that if people would just say how they felt, a lot of problems could be solved.