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"Pudge, my friend, we are indefuckingstructable."

Swimming towards us like a swan possessed. Wings flapping furiously as it came, and then it was on the shore in front of us, making a noise that sounded like nothing else in this world, like all the worst parts of a dying rabbit plus all the worst parts of a crying baby, and there was no other way, so we just ran.

People, I thought, wanted security. They couldn´t bear the idea of death being a big black nothing, couldn´t bear the thought of their loved ones not existing and couldn´t even imagine themselves not existing. I finally decided that people believed in an afterlife because they couldn´t bear not to.

"I believe," Dolores said, "that yer s´posed to drink white with turkey, but - now I don´t know ´bout yáll - but I don´t s´pose I give a shit."

Alaska decided to go help Dolores with dinner. She said it was sexist to leave the cooking to the women, but better to have good sexist food than crappy boy-prepared food.

"It ain´t much," the Colonel´s mom ("That´s Dolores, not Miss Martin") told us.

...and after a while she stopped and said, "Dig." And I said, "Dig?" and she said, "Dig."

"Hold on." He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he´d just made a mathematical breakthrough, and then looked back at me. "I just did some calculations and I´ve been able to determine that you are full of shit."

There are times when it is appropriate, even preferable, to get an erection when someone´s face is in close proximity to your penis. This was not one of those times.

"I suppose we could use some rain.," and the Colonel looked up at the low clouds coming in fast and threatening, and then he said, "Well, use it or not, we´re sure as shit going to get some."
And we sure as shit did.

The Colonel´s hatred for Hardsen burned with the fire of a thousand suns.

We stood silent. I felt disproportionally terrible, like I had just been caught fleeing the scene of a murder.

I hated sports. I hated sports, and I hated people who played them, and I hated people watched them, and I hated people who didn´t hate people who watched or played them.

"You know what the capital of Sierra Leone is?"
"No."
"Me neither," he said, "but I intend to find out." And with that, he stuck his nose in the almanac and the conversation was over.

I walked over to the pink shirt. It was wrinkled like an old woman who spent her youth sunbathing.

She´s cute, I thought, But you don´t need to like a girl who treats you like you´re ten: you´ve already got a mom.

And in my class, I will talk most of the time and you will listen most of the time, because you may be smart. But I´ve been smart longer.

One of the other guys, the one who was either a little fat or worked out too much, came in behind Kevin...

The Colonel cut him off. "Enough with the psychobabble, MC Dr Phil."

I wouldn´t have cared if my girlfriend was a Jaguar-driving Cyclops with a beard - I´d have been grateful just to have someone to make out with.