Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.

Alliance, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.

Fork, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.

Future, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

Grave, n. A place where the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

Life, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.

Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.

Painting, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.

Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.

Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

War, n. God's way of teaching Americans geography.