But something about people telling me they are 'proud of me' rubs me the wrong way. I feel like they are saying, 'I didn't expect much from you, so you achieving even the bare minimum is a great surprise and relief.' He wouldn't have meant it like that, he wouldn't even understand those feelings at all. That's a constant though, me feeling ways about things that other people don't understand. I make too big a deal, or not a big enough deal, or I get too upset, or I don't get upset enough. It all just makes me furious, and that is the most exhausting feeling of all.

I am asking myself some big questions and not stressing about immediately needing the answers. I am untangling the ways my autistic masking may have impacted my ability to explore my own feelings, likes and dislikes, and I am giving myself space. The more I think about sexuality, the more I think the parameters we've set as a society are a complete sham. This probably doesn't sound like a whole lot, but it is big for me to try to pay less attention to feelings of how I 'should be.