Don't talk to me while I'm peeing. We're not sharing a moment; we're just sharing adjacent urinals. So just stare ahead in awkward silence. Same goes for when we're on an elevator. And especially don't talk to me when I'm peeing on an elevator.

Lay off Rumsfeld and his 9/11 memento. Yes, Donald Rumsfeld took a piece of the airplane that hit the Pentagon - like you've never lifted anything from work. But he kept it for a good reason: to remind himself of who did this to us. Otherwise, we might have retaliated against the wrong country.

If everybody was wrong about the weapon of mass destruction, then somebody has to say "my bad." When Clinton was in the White House, we investigated his business partners, his wife's business partners, the guy who was govenor after him, the girls who did him, his travel agents, and the guy who cut his hair. For some reason, the two words this president just can't seem to say are "sorry" and "nuclear." Something is terribly wrong when the only person who's been fired over terrorism is me.

The next destructive storm must be called Hurricane George. You've earned it, buddy. Congratulations. Your presidency is officially a Category 5 disaster.

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it, it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "Beef with Broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.